There's something about October that always makes me nostalgic.
Maybe it's the cooler weather, the decorations, the costumes, the parties, or the fact that Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love having an excuse to dress up and go out with friends…and then, of course, there's November 1, arguably one of the best days of the year if you have a sweet tooth. Half-off Halloween candy? Sign me up.
But lately, when I think about Halloween, my mind keeps going back to one particular night. Halloween 2023. It's a night I remember a little too vividly, and honestly, one I'd probably prefer to forget.
At the time, I was going through a lot. My grandmother had passed away, and I was still trying to figure out what life looked like without her. Halloween was one of my first real attempts at getting back out there, being social, and doing something that felt normal. I remember feeling a little out of place, almost like everyone else had picked up where they left off, and I was still trying to remember how to do that myself.
I was also still in a relationship that, unbeknownst to me at the time, was not a healthy one. The night started like any other Halloween. Costumes, going out, plans with friends, and the expectation that we were going to have a good time. I was going to a Halloween party at the apartment complex on the other side of the giant lake with my boyfriend and his friends. We had a cute couple costume, niche at the time but basic now; we were Padme and Anakin. We started off the night being a cute couple, getting our pics, being all over each other, being #goals…but somewhere along the way, things took a turn. We got into a huge argument. I don't remember every single thing that was said, but I DO remember how the night ended.
I ended up walking back to the apartment complex we both lived at across the lake at 12 am by myself, in my little Halloween costume, while he drove back with his friends.
There's something particularly humbling about walking home alone in a sketchy part of town while your boyfriend drives right past you. Everyone else is out celebrating, taking pictures, laughing, and having the night they planned. And there I was, walking home, trying to process whatever had just happened.
You would think that would have been enough and I would leave him right...WRONG. Instead, not knowing he had driven back to the apartment with his friends because I hadn’t been drinking, I decided to go get him food because he had been drinking. I was still trying to be a good girlfriend, still worrying about him, still doing the things you do when you're in a relationship and care about someone, even when that person isn't exactly making you feel cared for. So I go to McDonald's, get some nuggies and fries…classic drunk meal, and I got back to the apartment with his food, only to realize the door was locked.
I knocked on the door, only for it to be opened by a group of girls asking who I was.
I'll never forget that feeling. Instead of letting me inside, they closed the door, locked it again…after I then go through the porch door and the im being blocked off by the girls telling me I can’t come in, I say I am his girlfriend. Somehow, the night ended with him throwing chicken nuggets at me.
Yes. Chicken nuggets.
I wish I were making that up.
When I tell people about that Halloween, the chicken nuggets are usually the detail that gets the biggest reaction. Looking back, there's almost something comical about how absurd the whole situation sounds. But at the time, it wasn't funny. It was humiliating, confusing, and honestly just sad. The relationship did end shortly after that, and eventually, I learned about the cheating that had happened, too. It was one of those periods of my life where everything seemed to be falling apart at once. I was grieving my grandmother, dealing with the end of a relationship, and trying to figure out who I was supposed to be outside of both of those things.
It's strange how certain nights become attached to entire chapters of your life. Halloween 2023 wasn't just a bad Halloween. It became a snapshot of a version of myself I don't really recognize anymore.
And I think that's part of why it has stayed with me.
The Halloweens in between
The funny thing is, I've had other Halloweens since then. I've gone out, dressed up, had fun, and made new memories. But for some reason, that one night still seems to take up more space in my memory than the others. There was the Halloween in downtown Orlando.
That one was actually fun. I was with my friends. I dressed up as Zack from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, and I even hosted a little Halloween pregame, which, if you know me, probably sounds about right. We got dressed up, went downtown, and had the kind of night you hope to have when you make Halloween plans. I remember liking my outfit, too, which is always an important part of the evening.
As a young female in your 20s dressed as a teenage boy roaming the streets of downtown Orlando on Halloween is just a vision in my head you can never recreate. Between the costumes we saw and random props (an alive snake), downtown Orlando was the PLACE to be…not so much now because it’s dangerous; if you watch the news, you know what I'm talking about.
And then there was Tennessee. I had the whole day off, which probably should have been my first indication that I was going to make a day of it. I pre-gamed a little too hard, got a little too excited about Halloween, and, if I'm being completely honest, I don't remember as much of that night as I probably should.
So, while there have been fun Halloweens, funny Halloweens, and Halloweens that are a little blurry, none of them seem to have completely replaced the memory of 2023, and I don't particularly like that.
Why am I still thinking about this?
Here's the part I've struggled with admitting.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I still care about a breakup that happened in 2023. It's been years. I've moved on. I don't want that relationship back. I don't miss that boyfriend, and there's no part of me sitting around wishing things had worked out differently. That chapter of my life is closed.
So why does one Halloween night still have the ability to bother me? Why can I be perfectly happy with where my life is now and still feel a little uncomfortable when October rolls around?
I think I've spent so much time telling myself that I'm over it that I sometimes forget being over someone doesn't automatically mean you've forgotten how they made you feel. I wasn't just dealing with a breakup that night. I was already grieving someone I loved. I was trying to get back to normal after losing my grandmother. I was putting myself out there for the first time in a while, trying to enjoy a holiday, and instead I ended up feeling embarrassed, hurt, and alone.
Maybe that's what I haven't completely moved past. Not the boyfriend. Not the relationship. The feeling.
THAT’S the difference.
Sometimes we act like moving on means the memory should disappear, too. Like if enough time has passed, we shouldn't be affected by something that happened years ago. But life doesn't really work that way. You can be completely done with a person and still remember how a particular experience changed you. You can be happy in your current life and still have certain dates, songs, places, or holidays bring back feelings you thought you'd put away.
I don't think that means you're going backward; it just means something mattered, even if it wasn't something you wanted to keep.
And honestly, I don't want to spend another October feeling like I'm being reminded of a night I didn't even enjoy.
A different kind of Halloween
This year feels different. It's October 2026. I'm teaching high school, and I've officially made it through the first three months of the school year. I'm figuring out a new chapter of my career, building routines, meeting people, and trying to make a life that feels like mine.
And for Halloween, I have plans. I'm doing a girls' brunch with my friends before heading to a friend's party. No boyfriend to coordinate costumes with. No relationship drama to worry about. No waiting around for someone to show up. Just me, my friends, and a Saturday night.
And, sure, I'm single. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have anyone I'm currently talking to, and I don't have some romantic prospect I'm secretly hoping will make an appearance.
Would I be opposed to getting someone's number tomorrow? Absolutely not.
Would a Halloween kiss be a fun little plot twist? Also, absolutely not.
But maybe this year, the goal doesn't need to be finding someone. Maybe it's making a new friend, meeting new people, taking pictures I actually want to look back on, and having a night that's memorable for all the right reasons.
I want to laugh. I want to dress up. I want to enjoy myself without thinking about what happened three years ago. I want to wake up on November 1 with a camera roll full of pictures and a story that doesn't involve walking home alone or chicken nuggets being thrown at me.
And speaking of November 1, there's another reason I'm looking forward to this particular Halloween.
The clocks go back an hour overnight, which means we technically get an extra hour of Halloween before November officially takes over. Then comes Thanksgiving season, which is probably my actual favorite holiday. It used to be Valentine's Day, because I have always loved love, but Thanksgiving has slowly taken the lead. There's something about the food, the family, the traditions, and the general feeling of the holiday that I love.
But first, Halloween. I want to stop letting one bad night define an entire holiday for me. I don't need to pretend it didn't happen, and I don't need to force myself to forget it. But I also don't want to keep giving it the power to shape how I feel every time October comes around.
I don't need to forget Halloween 2023; I just need a new Halloween that gives me something better to remember.
And if that means making a new friend, getting a number, sharing a laugh with someone I just met, or even getting a little Halloween kiss, then so be it.
Here's to a Halloween that belongs to me.
